Nothing to See Here, Please Panic Quietly
A Satirical Holiday Guide to Constitutional Amnesia and Selective Outrage
‘‘Laws still exist, which seems to be the central misunderstanding of the moment.’’
The Supreme Court has gently reminded the President of the United States that the Constitution is not a mood board. You do not get to deploy troops because you feel annoyed, misunderstood, or bored on a Tuesday. Apparently, there are steps. Laws. Procedures. A whole genre of paperwork.
Six justices explained, patiently, that the country is not a parking lot where you can just drop off the National Guard while you run errands. You must first attempt to use the regular military, discover you cannot, and then, only then, panic creatively. This sequence matters.
Justice Kavanaugh, sensing the public noticed things, added a helpful footnote clarifying that immigration stops should not be racist, violent, or excessive. This clarification arrived after people were racially profiled, beaten, and detained while holding birth certificates. Timing is everything in jurisprudence.
Meanwhile, the Justice Department announced it has discovered over a million more Epstein documents. This is the bureaucratic equivalent of saying you finished your homework and then finding an entirely new backpack labeled “definitely important.”
Officials promise transparency soon. Very soon. Not now. Soon, like infrastructure week.
The documents already released show that Donald Trump’s claim of never being on Epstein’s plane appears to have been aspirational rather than factual. Flight logs place him there repeatedly, sometimes alone with Epstein, sometimes with Ghislaine Maxwell, sometimes with unnamed young women who mysteriously disappear behind redactions.
Trump appears in the files over one hundred times, which is impressive for someone who insists he barely remembers the guy. Most people manage to forget acquaintances after fewer than ten documented plane rides.
Under mounting pressure, Trump took to social media to wish America a Merry Christmas by accusing everyone else of loving Epstein, demanding all names be released, and insisting this is both a hoax and extremely important. This is what therapists call cognitive dissonance. This is what Truth Social calls a post.
Republicans are beginning to peel away, cautiously, like people realizing the dinner host is yelling at the furniture. Subpoenas are being drafted. Contempt citations are circulating. Impeachment language is warming up in the bullpen.
Observers note Trump seems to be unraveling. Supporters insist he is simply expressing strength loudly and repeatedly.
The files continue to drip. The excuses multiply. The Constitution remains stubbornly in place, refusing to dissolve into vibes.
And somewhere deep inside the Justice Department, another box quietly whispers, “Open me next.”
Well done! Your writing style is unique, which makes it engaging, and I appreciate that!
Your post brought to mind a poem by Harryette Mullen.
We Are Not Responsible”
We are not responsible for your lost or stolen relatives.
We cannot guarantee your safety if you disobey our instructions.
We do not endorse the causes or claims of people begging for handouts.
We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Your ticket does not guarantee that we will honor your reservations.
In order to facilitate our procedures, please limit your carrying on.
Before taking off, please extinguish all smoldering resentments.
If you cannot understand English, you will be moved out of the way.
In the event of a loss, you’d better look out for yourself.
Your insurance was cancelled because we can no longer handle
your frightful claims. Our handlers lost your luggage and we
are unable to find the key to your legal case.
You were detained for interrogation because you fit the profile.
You are not presumed to be innocent if the police
have reason to suspect you are carrying a concealed wallet.
It’s not our fault you were born wearing a gang color.
It is not our obligation to inform you of your rights.
Step aside, please, while our officer inspects your bad attitude.
You have no rights we are bound to respect.
Please remain calm, or we can’t be held responsible
for what happens to you.
A well written diatribe about the chicanery of the most current deeply corrupt cabal of criminals now occupying the much-sullied White House.
If only all of these mental miscreants and moral misfits, and their demented supporters nationally and globally, would fall off the ends of the Earth. 🙏🙏🙏 That is my wish for 2026.